Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and
suddenly yells "Don't enter that church, you daft cunt , its a trap!!''

His wife asks him ''What are you watching ?''
Husband replies
"Our wedding video"

Just saw a Rolex in the trash. What a waste of valuble time!

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

How do you make holy water??
You boil the hell out of it😎

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"
with a long pause the vet replies."1955 i believe"
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then ?"
Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?

Mary and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of heart disease.
She married again and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Mary remarried and this time she & John had 5 more children.
Mary finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel."

How does Michael J Fox like to sit in his garden?
With his back to the fuschia.

Doctor, doctor, will my measles be better by next Monday?
I don’t wanna make any rash promises!

Racecar backwards is Racecar. Racecar upside down is expensive!

I went to the doctor today about my anxiety. He told me it was all in my head !

Been bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.
So far, it's been 7 owls, and 15 jays.

Tall people tend to sleep longer in bed !

What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale!

I think I may remove my spine. I feel it's holding me back.

Man A: Can you Help me with this crossword
Man B: Sure
Man A: 4 Across Postman's satchel
Man B: How many letters?
Man A: Thousands I'd imagine.

Филолог говорит своему сыну:
— Ты меня очень огорчил. Я слышал, как ты спорил со своим другом и сказал ему: "Ты ебанулся". Как ты мог? Ты ни за что обидел человека, показав ему пренебрежение!
— А что я должен был ему сказать?
— Тебе надо было сказать: "Да ну, нахуй!" Он бы понял, что ты вовлечен, но ты оппонируешь!...

It's only in sex where late cumers are appreciate.

I started out with nothing, and still have most of it.

Q: What is a duck's favourite tv show?
A: A duck-u-mentary.

Too often a banquet is a plate of cold chicken and peas surrounded by warm appeals for funds.

Q: What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
A: A maybe!

Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end.
Lifeguard noticed. Blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

My daughter asked me, "Can you name a sport that starts with a 'T'?"
I said "Yes, golf."

Is it just me, or are there any other anagrams of em ?

Three old women were sitting on a park bench. A flasher ran up and whipped open his coat. Two of the old ladies had a stroke and the third couldn't reach.

Cleaning windows is a pane.

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!

I drink and smoke but cocaine is where I draw the line.

A woman constantly keeps sneezing and goes to see the doctor. She tells him, "Doctor, I constantly keep sneezing, and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The doctor asks, "What are you doing for it?" The woman replies, "Sniffing pepper."

Behind every bad product was a room full of people who thought it was a good idea.

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean.

Why does David Hasslehoff prefer to be called just the Hoff? It’s just less ‘hassle’ that way!

My goat ate my DVD of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,
Which is surprising because he hated the book .

QUESTION- What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
ANSWER- Finding out it was traced.

Did you hear about the foreign language student who went to Poland to polish his Polish ?

It's weird we can laugh at our own jokes. It's like one part of our brain is amused by what another part comes up with.

My wife said just for once pay me a compliment. I said l love your blonde hair and the way you dye your roots black.

I returned the boomerang order back to Amazon just to check if the product met my expectations.

A traveling salesman asked a farmer to spend the night. The farmer agreed, but told him he would have to sleep in the barn. The farmer, being a nice guy and knowing how horny traveling salesmen get told the man, "Look son, see that wall? It's got three holes in it. You can screw the first two but don't mess around with that third hole. Got it?" The salesman thanked him and bedded down on a pile of hay. About midnight he got real horny and decided to take a poke at the first hole. It was good but not really satisfying so he took a poke at the second hole. It was even better but he still wasn't satisfied so he thought about the third hole and reasoned to himself, "If that first hole was pretty good and the second hole was even better, I'll bet that third hole will really do the trick!" The next morning the farmer noticed the salesman was still sleeping so he went about his chores and late in the afternoon he finally saw the salesman wake up. "Damn, son! You been sleeping a long time! What happened?" "Well," the salesman replied. "I should have listened to you. I got horny last night and tried that first hole and it was pretty fair but not really satisfying so I tried the second hole. It was good but didn't do the job so I took on that third hole. Say, what's behind them holes anyway?" "Son, that first hole is my sheep, Dolly. The second hole is my mare, Sally, and that third hole is my milking machine and that thing don't quit till it gets a quart!"

The person who discovered fire took a lot of heat for it, but the inventor of the wheel was a genuine roll model....

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people? - Just switch off the lights.

The trouble with bucket seats in automobiles is that not everyone has the same size bucket.

Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.

Just passed a man walking down the street saying
"1,3,5,7,9,1,3,5,7,9"
And i thought to myself "that's odd!!"

I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra. It was a booby trap.

A baby sitter is a teenager who behaves like an adult, while the adults are out behaving like teenagers.

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband. They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide....

Baldheaded people should remember that when God made heads He covered up the ones He didn't like.

As I was sitting alone at the bar, a woman came and sat opposite me and spread her legs wide revealing crotchless panties under her mini skirt
"Want some of that?", she winked
"Fuck no!", I replied. "Look what it's done to your knickers!"

I still remember my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket .
He said "Hey! How far do you think I can kick this bucket?!"

I've just paid for my wife and her mother to go to Paris for 2 weeks.
That's how much I hate the fucking French.

Broke up with my fitness instructor girlfriend today; it didn't work out.

- Three biggest achievements of computer science?
- Turing machine, StackOverflow and syntax highlighting.

One day little Johnny walked out of his bedroom with his suitcase packed. His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Last night I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming too. I didn't want to be left behind!"

Q: Why are Saturdays and Sundays the only strong days?
A: Cos the rest are weekdays.

Fact: Dr. Awkward spelled backwards is still "Dr. Awkward."

A Shovel Is A Real Ground Breaking Invention.

I found out my girlfriend was giving out free blow jobs.
I always knew she was a damned socialist.

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'

Q:Why does coffee taste like mud?
A:Because it was just ground.

You can never "not see" a giraffe coz its always spotted.

— А почему вы расстались?
— Она сказала, что у нее иссяк запал.
— Что запало?
— Иссяк.
— А что это?
— Да я тоже не понял.

I saw two policemen chasing a person who had just stolen a board game of little value.
It was a really trivial pursuit.

Q: Why do pirates have a hard time remembering the alphabet?
A: Because they always get lost at C!

Wife comes home early and catches hubby having a wank in the kitchen, she rushes over,and gives him the best blow job of his life.Afterwards he says, "We haven't had sex for 6months,and suddenly this...Why?..She says. "I only washed the floor this morning, I'd rather clean my teeth, than get the fuckin' mop out again!!"

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary."Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old , and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with.""That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"

A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...
She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...
He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...
She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...
She goes home to her husband and says, "A guy at the bar told me he was gonna make my nipples hard"...
He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk out the door...
She grabs him by the arm, and says, "He also said he was gonna turn me upsid down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...
Her husband turns around and walks back into the house...
She yells, "Where are you going"...?
He says, "I ain't fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer"...?

Q: Why do Cakes Invites Ice cream on they're parties??
A: Because he was COOL.

Two old ladies meet in Heaven...
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

There was an equine animal in my yard at 1 am last night. I wasn't sure whether to call it a dark horse or a night mare.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...
She hugged me.

I love cycling. Does that make me a pedalphile?

— Семён Маркович, как часто вы соглашаетесь со своей женой?
— Никогда!
— И как она к этому относится?
— Никак! Она об этом не знает...

I can tell people are judgemental just by looking at them.

“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”

My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive...Apparently the response of,"Dont worry babe,your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for!

A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time. As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.
During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.
The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconventional idea that might bring his wife out of the coma. She explained the reaction and suggested that the husband should try oral sex with his wife.
He quickly decided to give it a try, and shut the door for some privacy. After a few minutes, the alarms on the life support equipment began to sound. The nurse rushed into the room and was shocked to find that wife was dead!
"What happened!" screamed the nurse.
"I don't know," said the husband. "She must have choked!"

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language please! This is God's house" replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called" says the priest. "Oh" says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker" says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says "You know what? You cunts are alright"

To the guy who mugged the midget, how do you stoop that low ?

Q:What is ET short for?
A:Coz he's got little legs.