Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A boy was going through his grandmother's wallet one night and found her ID card. "Grandma?" he asked,"How much do you weigh?" His grandmother replied, "That's not an appropriate question, Jimmy" He then asked, "How old are you?" She again replied, "That's not appropriate, Jimmy." Finally he asked, "Grandma, why did grandpa leave you?" Before she had time to answer, Jimmy looked at the card and said, "Oh I see, it's because you got an 'F' in sex."

What's Harry Potter's way to get to the bottom of a hill? Running...JK! Rolling.

A hillbilly family's only son saves up money to go to college. After about three years, he comes back home. They are sitting around the dinner table, when the dad says, ''Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?'' ''Ok, Pa.'' The son then says, ''Pi R squared.'' After a moment, the dad says, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square.''

Q: What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
A: "It's pasture bedtime."

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

A teacher asks, "What's the difference between a problem and a challenge?" A student repsonds, "3 boys + 1 girl = problem. 1 boy + 3 girls = challenge."

Q. What did the pop star do when he locked himself out?
A. He sang until he found the right key!

A kid asks his dad, "What's a man?" The dad says, "A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family." The kid says, "I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!"

Q: Why did the runner stop listening to music?
A: Because she broke too many records.

Q: Why didn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was on the deck.

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?" The baby mosquito replied, "It went great. Everyone was clapping for me!"

A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a urine sample, and a blood test from the old man. Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said. The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."

Three brothers wanted to give their blind mom a birthday gift. The first got her a big beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted to know which gift she liked best. She said they were all great but she thanked her third son because she liked the chicken dinner best.

A husband and wife have four boys. The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be completely honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replies, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passes away. The wife then mutters, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

A man called his child's doctor, "Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and swallowed it. What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Until I can come over, write with another pen."

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

I've been getting really good at being lazy. In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy I should expect atrophy.

A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both."

Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it. The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down, shows him her butt, and there is no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why. His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Q:Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A:To get to the other slide!!

Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
A: The letter "m."

Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy."
The mother asked, "What did you do?"
The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"

A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."
The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?"
Son: "I don't have it."
Dad: "Why?"
Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there; he's not misbehaving." The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then!"

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?
A: Because it was soda pressing.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.

Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek.
Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

I thought about making a fake ID... but that’s just not who I am...

Poor duck with no arms walks into the local pharmacy, asks for a face mask and says...
Can you put it on my bill...

A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Q: What goes "ooooooooooooooo"?
A: A cow with no lips.

I have an HTTP joke, if I POST it you cannot GET it.

Rubbed salt all over my body before my job interview.

Needed my potential employers to know I’m a seasoned professional.

Vampire dad "You ok?"

Vampire son "yeah why?"

Vampire dad "last night I heard coffin" 🤣🤣🤣

Why was the pirate so good at boxing?...
He had a vicious right hook!

Q: If the stork is the bird that brings babies. What is the bird that prevents babies?
A: The swallow.

I couldn’t figure out why my coffee taste like dirt. My daughter said it was “ground” this morning.

Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead. They have 206 of em.

"Me? Use cocaine? ... NEVER!", Tom snorted.

5 signs of laziness
1.

Apparently, Karl Marx's grave is a communist plot. 🙃

I passed my insect identification exam.
I got a bee.

I do not recommend watching drill videos, they are a bit boring.

I’ve just found out that Mick Jagger has been sharing my Apple account storage.
If you’re reading this Mick, I’ve only got one thing to say.
Hey, you, get off of my cloud.

Q: Who would make the best horticulturist among the Avengers?
A: Hulk would, because he has a green thumb.

Утром Лена назвала мужа импотентом. Днём у соседки Кати диагноз не подтвердился.

Он нежно обнял ее и спросил:
- Я твой первый мужчина?
Она долго смотрела на него, потом ответила:
- Может быть, то-то я думаю, где я тебя раньше видела...

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.
It's definitely going to spice up my autobiography a little.

My wife and l decided we didn't want children so l had a vasectomy. It didn't work the kids were still there when l got home.

Do not let them take the temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of beer.

Wife’s taking the kids and leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing...
They’re at the gate now... And they’re off !!

My name is Joseph and I am the son of Stephen King. I would post proof, but it's quite obvious that I'm Joe King.

I had a golfing joke, but I couldn't find a fairway to express it.

I’m such a bad swimmer I almost drowned on a pool table once.

Born in a car but died outside.
Call that Carbon Dioxide.

At a job interview: “Mrs. Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”
“Honesty.”
“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”
“And I don’t give a rat’s ass about your stupid opinion!”

Whoever named it Sperm Bank missed the chance to call it a Semenary.

A neutron, photon, and neutrino sit at a bar and asks how much drinks are. Bartender says “for y’all, no charge.”

Q: What do the Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
A: Icy dead people.

Russian dolls are so full of themselves.

Hear about the guy who got arrested for firing a starting pistol????
They said it was race related.

- You think you’re so smart?
- No, I don’t. I’m actually pretty sure.

Q: "What kind of wine goes best with laundry?"
A: "A dryer wine goes well..."

Indoor pools have reopened in England.
To avoid contamination, there’ll be no water in lanes 1, 3, 5 & 7.
Stay safe!

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old small bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "
"The girls never showed up!"

What’s the smartest thing to come out of a woman’s mouth ?!
EINSTEINS COCK !!!!!

Q: What did the newly wed Princess find out on her honeymoon?
A: Not all Rulers are 12 inches