Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".
Turns out we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.

FUN FACT
5 adult hogs can eat a pedophile in less than 8 minutes.

Why was the king only 12 inches tall?
.. because he was a ruler.

I treated the wife to one of those 'fish pedicures' and I must say I was very pleased with the result.

Those piranhas don't fuck about!

Dictatorship:
A boat filled with phallic shaped potatoes.

Обидно, когда девушке нужен курортный роман, а ты курортный Александр.

yesterday i changed a light bulb , crossed the road and walked into a bar ..... My life is a joke.

Analogy is not the study of butt holes.

If money is the root of all evil, why do they ask for it in church?

I love bumping into people wearing camouflage and apologizing because I did not see them there.

My Dad lost his job at the cemetery after burying someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake

What a totally boring party I went to last night on the moon. There was just NO atmosphere.

If it’s true that stress can cause weight loss, then why the hell am I not invisible?

Imagine your card declines at a hospital after you gave birth and they start shoving the baby back inside.

A police officer came up to me tonight and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."

Из объяснительной:
Прошу не расценивать мои действия, как сексуальное домогательство, ведь с учётом духа времени, на первом свидании я потрогал её за лобок, чтобы убедиться, что у неё отсутствует х,й".

- Алло, это ФСБ?
- Да.
- А правда, что вы все видите и все знаете?
- Да.
- А какой глаз я сейчас зажмурил?
- Шоколадный...

I went to an outdoor restaurant last night. It was a disaster. Pouring with rain. It took me almost 2 hours to finish my soup.

I just cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

100 years ago, most people had a horse and only the rich had cars. Today, most people have a car and only the rich have horses.
The stables have turned.

I can't stand people who get well known sayings wrong. I mean, it's not rocket surgery.

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The BAA-BAA shop

One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman, but I won’t letter!

My parking skills are unparalleled.

How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

How much do cockneys spend on shampoo?

Pantene.

I decided to become a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

В магазин "Всё для тебя" завезли рассветы и туманы.

The last remaining manufacturer of yardsticks has announced: they will make them no longer.

How did the people who created the first clock know what the time was?🤔

When she left me due to my Gambling Addiction

😢 All I could think about...

How can I win her back?

I had an E mail off Google saying they could read maps backwards. I thought that's spam.

He claimed that his dog had retrieved a ball he’d hidden a mile away, but I thought it sounded far fetched.

Ladies:
If your man is willing to give you the moon and stars, you should be willing to sacrifice Uranus.

My doctor told me to cut down on sodium, but I'm taking his advice
with a pinch of salt .

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.
The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener.

2 drunks go to a brothel. The Madam takes a look, and says to manager "put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms, the guys are too drunk to notice". On the walk home one guy says " I think my girl was dead, she never moved or made sound". The second guy says " I think mine was a witch." "Why you think that?" "well, I bit her ass, she farted in my face and then flew out of the freaking window!"

— Как дела?
— Лучше, чем усы на маминой подруге.
— Что ты сказал?
— Я говорю, что лучше, чем у сына маминой подруги.

Все девушки конфетки. Просто некоторые из них - "Коровки".

Why cant a Nose be 12 inches long?
Because itll be a foot!

Why was the comforter sad?
It was down.

I finally realised my parents favoured my twin sister when they asked me to blow up balloons for her surprise birthday party.

I’m not crazy or unbalanced, I prefer the term mentally hilarious.

I was at 711 and a guy asked me if I believed in God.

I'm buying dinner at 711,homie.I don't even believe in myself.

You know you're a redneck when your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.

I’m attending a gamblers anonymous class tomorrow.
It starts at ten to one!

Did you know if taller people sleep longer in bed?

There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
Ya, you gotta admit, she smelt like shit, but look at the money he saved.

Wife, No wonder you're in pain,
You've got your shoes on the wrong feet !
Husband, but they're the only feet I have.

How do dogs make sandwiches?
With purebred.

I donated some of my bedroom furniture, while my girlfriend was away on business. Upon returning, she questioned me about my one-night stand!

It’s okay to be white, black, straight or gay. But it’s not okay to stop at a yellow light when we both could have fucking made it.

- Дорогая, мне так нравятся твои глаза...
- Это ты еще мою жопу не видел...

Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"...

A newly couple had only been married a few weeks..

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to get out on the town and party with his buddies...

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, ill be right back.”

”Where you going, coochy-coo..? asked the wife.

“Im going to the bar, pretty face, to have a beer.”

The wife says, “You want a beer, my love?” she opens the door to the frig and shows him 25 different brands of beers from 12 different countries. The husband didn't know what to do.

The only thing he could say was, “Yes, but at the bar..you know..they have...frozen mugs.”

didn’t get to finish the sentence. The wife interrupted him, saying, “do you want a frozen glass, puppy fac open the refrigerator and handed him a frozen solid mug.

The husband, looking a bit pale,said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those special hors d’oeuvres they are really delicious... Won’t be too long... I’ll be right back I promise..Ok?

”You want hors d’oeuvres, poochie-poo?” She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d’oeuvres; spicy chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, fried mushrooms, pork strips, cheese dip, the works..

”But sweetie, at the bar..you know.. The guys are cussing and swearing, cutie pie?”

Before he could finish, the wife replies, “You want cussing and swearing, cutie pie?”

”THEN LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKIN BEER IN THIS GODDAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN’T GOING OUT WITH YOUR SHITHEAD FRIENDS ANYMORE! YOU GOT THAT, ASSHOLE????”

Pronouncing "40" in an extremely pretentious way is my forte...

I went into Greggs today and asked, "How much are sausage rolls?"

"£2 for two," the assistant said.

"How much for one?" I enquired.

"£1.20," she replied.

"I'll have the other one," I told her.

If you put a compass in space , witch way it will point ?

I've an idea for a new telly show...it's called 'Doctor Whom'. An English teacher travels through time correcting people's grammar...

I found a photo of myself from when I used to be a boxer. If you turn it sideways it looks like I'm standing up

...People who say their Wedding Day was the best day of their life, have never had two Kit Kats fall from a vending machine at once!

I'm an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.
You should taste my panda jam.

If an orphan takes a selfie, is it considered a family portrait?

- Как вы вообще додумались в ведомости на зарплату пририсовать себе лишний ноль?
- Я художник, я так вижу.

Planning a trip to Australia next year and there's a question asking whether I have a criminal record.
To be honest, I wasn't aware that I still needed one.

2 blondes in a pub when a handsome young man with dandruff walks in....
One blonde says "He needs head and shoulders"
The other blonde says "How do you give shoulders???

Ярмарка коллекционеров. Выставляют раритетную почтовую марку.
Вокруг толпа! Все глазеют и благоговеют.
Вдруг - чел! С разбегу, пинками, коленями и локтями протиснулся и припал взором...
Народ с почтением: Вы филателист?
-Нет!!! Я пидарас!!! Но мне тоже интересно!

I know several jokes in sign language.
I guarantee you,no one has ever heard them before.

Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal for the 1st time.
He says "If it hurts too much yell the safety word & I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch"

I ran over 5 miles today.
Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy.

Заходят в бар бодипозитивный гей, инвалид и негр-трансвестит, а бармен им и говорит:
- Бля, пацаны, да это «Оскар»!

bird cop: we found two victims, bludgeoned to death
bird detective: any murder weapons?
bird cop: just one stone
bird detective: *lowers shades* my god

- What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut ?
- A barberque !

A policeman is at the scene of a terrible accident. Body parts are everywhere and the officer is making notes of what is where.He comes across a head and writes in notes, "head on boolevard". This doesnt look right so he crosses it out and writes "head on bullevard". That doesnt look right either so he writes " head on boullavard" which still doesnt seem right. The officer looks around to make sure no one is watching and kicks the head, then he writes "head in garden"

My friend's been ill in bed for the past couple of weeks, so I went around today and took some DVDs and a bottle of wine.
Fingers crossed she won't notice they're gone.

3 men were waiting outside the labor ward of the hospital. A nurse came out to tell the 1st man: "Congratulations. You are the father of twins." "Twins!" he exclaimed "How about that? I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Co.!" 5 mins later, a nurse came out to tell the 2nd man: "Congratulations. You are the father of triplets." "Triplets!" he said "What a coincidence! I work for the 3M Organization!" The 3rd man stood up & muttered: "I need some air. I work for 7-Up.

Sex is like a restaurant - sometimes you get excellent service, sometimes you get very poor service, and sometimes you just have to settle for Self-Service" !!!!!

- what did one vagina lip say to the other?
- "we used to be so tight until we let some dick cum between us"

Just seen Elvis in B&Q...
Returned a sander!

- Опишите свою внешность.
- Привыкнуть можно.