Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I do an amazing impression of a normal person. You really can't tell the difference.

They don't want to ban guns. They want a monopoly on them.

Police: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Perp: No. Sorry. It's a shame you've forgotten so soon. Maybe your department has remedial memory training or something.

Кирпичи- это просто одомашненные камни.

I don't know why my work thinks that 'short staffed' means we're just going to work harder...

Management need to realize that I can either attend meetings, or I can get my work done. I can't do both.

“Sorry Miss Costello — I ate my homework.”

“Why’d you do that, Lloyd?”

“The dog refused to.”

Been there, done that... then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.

Number one work rule: Never date one of your coworkers.

What happens if you throw white sneakers into the Black Sea?

They get wet.

My favorite part of my job is assuming I'm fired every time one of my passwords doesn't work.

Everything you learned late, teach your children early.

I Like My Password Like I Like My Potatoes.
Hashed And Salted.

John’s “History of Poltergeists” is flying off the shelves.

A light switch is also a dark switch.

Cinderella must have had some weird feet if her shoe wouldn't fit anyone else in town.

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man, is to lick his ears for 10 minutes.

Personally, I think it's nuts.

How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give him a badge.

Pornographers will always find a way to fill any niche.

Why are you rolling your eyes — trying to find your brain?

My doctor told me I’ll be paralyzed after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck. I was crushed by the news.

I thought I was on The Voice this morning

I farted on the bus and four people turned around.

If jobs can ask for 3 references, then applicants should get to ask to speak to 3 happy employees.

- Ты совсем долбоёб?
- Не совсем, но я над этим работаю.

I've had my eardrum replaced with pigskin.
My hearing is fine now, apart from a little crackling.

There is nothing better than having a coworker who can reply to your sarcasm with more sarcasm instead of getting offended.

– Сколько человек у вас случайно погибло на учениях?
– Да.

9am : Anything is possible.
2pm: But not today.

Fishing License is so fucking stupid, you can't even drive a fish.

I tried to make a halal sandwich but made a pig's ear of it.

"Why are you so mean to people at work?"

Me: This is actually me being nice.

The older I get, the better I used to be.

My inner child keeps stealing my lunch money,
and spending it on booze and tacos.....little sod....

One minute you’re young and fun, the next you’re predicting the weather with your bad knee.

What happened to the data scientist who went too long to the gym?

Overfitting...

Python is just a HTML that went to a private school. . .

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life. Therefore Mondays are now “Taco Tuesday Eve” until further notice.

You won't hear a dog whistle. They can't.

The only left overs worth eating are single moms.

The winter during hard times is like my penis

Things get harder as we have less clothing.

I told her to text me when she got home.

She must be homeless .

She blocked me on all her socials.

She must want me to email her.

Egyptians claim that there are no crocodiles in Egypt.

I think they're in de nile.

Why do people enjoy having sex with vegetables?

They can't run away.

Just landed my dream job as a puppeteer.

Had to pull a few strings to get it though.

- Excuse me sir, we have a dress code here.
- I work in IT
- carry on

Если построен пьедестал, то какой-нибудь мудак на него обязательно залезет.

People at work really need to learn that I’ll stop giving sarcastic answers when they stop asking stupid questions…

A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

Why do laptops overheat when they have windows ?

"How poor are you"
Me: I owe money to myself

Got all kinds of weird looks at the gym.
Can’t they bring their own pizza?

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could've been avoided completely if cowboy architects had made towns big enough for everyone.

What do you call men who make ‘women belong in the kitchen’ jokes?

Single.

On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

The three laws of Engineering:
1. Always use the right tool for the job.
2. A hammer is the right tool for any job.
3. Anything can be used as a hammer.

Normalize forgiving people but still remove them from your life.

Life is too short to hold onto things that no longer serve you.

Довёл до греха — доводи и до оргазма.

Он шел на свидание с ней и был уверен, что ему дадут. Но не знал, что по морде…

Some are wise.

Some are otherwise.

If you trust government, you don't know history.

I can't remember names. It's my Apollo's heel.

Работать не любит, но старается. Пьёт много, но с отвращением.
© Из характеристики

There's a famous river in Crimea.

I work in a paper factory where my responsibilities are twofold.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they really good at their job and make my life easier at work? Also no.

They call it gross pay because it's disgusting to see what you could have made...

“Sorry I have to be in work early tomorrow”Is the adult equivalent of “my mom said no”.

It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone... because they usually want to know who you are.

It doesn't matter what your annual salary is.

If you can't live 6 months without employment, you're poor.

I've got 99 problems and basically all of them could be solved by a salary increase.

Depression: “lets just do nothing today”

Anxiety: “but what if we do that WRONG?”

If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious grilled.

Work tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I'm doing my job.

My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

Remember, when life gives you lemons, they are considered taxable income.

Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.

It's okay to talk to yourself.
And okay to answer yourself.
But sad when you have to repeat what you said because you weren't listening.