Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

From the beginning, Rapunzel never wanted a man to climb her tower to save her.

She was just kinky and wanted someone to pull on her hair.

What's the difference between weed and a vagina?

If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it's good.

Modern slaves are not in chains,
They are in debt.

Me, "Have you seen my TikTok?"
Wife. "It's called a watch; how old are you?"

Truth is treason in the empire of lies.

Why should you get a gamer girl gf?

She can bring joy to your stick.

The trouble with counterfeiting banknotes is you can't make any real money.

I passed a sign that read “falling rocks”. So, I gave it a try, and no it doesn’t.

My Mother In Law has been diagnosed with hay fever & diabetes.

So I've bought her flowers & chocolates to cheer her up.

There was just one employee at the bank today.

Must have been the lone officer.

Touring Rome, one finds many fine restaurants.

The rest is history.

“If you kill a cockroach you are a hero, if you kill a butterfly you are bad. Morality has aesthetic standards.”

— Nietzsche

Lobsters probably think fish are birds.

Why is 80's music forgetable?

You'd forget everything too when you're 80.

The naughty Smurf pulls down his pants in public once in a blue moon.

Her: I like bad boys.
Me: well you’re gonna hate my dog.

An average person farts 13 times a day.
Finally i am above average at something.

Where on the horse is the radish anyway?

Data science for the money, Statistics for the glory.

Humans can indeed fly but only for a few seconds.

Me: “I’m so jealous of your heart right now” her: “why?”

Me: “because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not”.

A wise man once said, "When the rise of the machines happens...

...make sure you are nowhere near a dildo factory."

Я понял, почему в Израиле все водители так часто сигналят.

Потому что это бесплатно.

Careful when dating a musician.

You can get played.

No matter how hard your life is, don't like your own post.

Planning kills the magic.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them…

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”
Ron White

“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.”
Albert Einstein

Life is a long process of getting tired.
– Samuel Butler

Live every day to the fullest. When going to the bathroom take a newspaper!

Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

YOLO - "you only live once".

“If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts.”
— Albert Einstein

Set some goals, then demolish them.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Me: the victim is 6’1”; his body has already turned into a ghost.

Police officer: Sir, that’s just a sheet we covered the body with.

Get naked. I have a plan.

- Is British food really that bad ?
- If done correctly, yes.

SOCIALISM : IDEAS SO GOOD THAT THEY HAVE TO BE MANDATORY.

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?

It can’t sit down.

Finger painting is digital art.

Based on the number of movies, the missions actually don’t seem to be that impossible.

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of, it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Either you make things happen or you watch someone else make things happen.

Choose wisely.

Здоровый человек - это больной, не знающий, что он болен.

“The Life and Times of Ivan Pavlov” by Isabelle Ringing

My CV is basically a list of things I never want to do again.

Do oranges crave being juice or are they pressed into it?

Faber est suae quisque fortunae.

Every man is the artisan of his own fortune.

Qui totum vult totum perdit.

He who wants everything loses everything.

Aut viam inveniam aut faciam.

I will either find a way or make one.

Destitutus ventis, remos adhibe.

If the winds fail you, use the oars.

Malum consilium quod mutari non potest.

Bad is the plan that cannot change.

Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit.

Perhaps even these things will be good to remember one day.

Finis coronat opus.

The end crowns the work.

Timendi causa est nescire.

Ignorance is the cause of fear.

Astra inclinant, sed non obligant.

The stars incline us, they do not bind us.

Solamen miseris socios habuisse doloris.

Misery loves company.

Aquila non capit muscas.

An eagle does not catch flies.

Libertas perfundet omnia luce.

Freedom will flood all things with light.

Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo.

If I cannot move Heaven, I will raise Hell.

Vivamus, moriendum est.

To live, we must die.

Malo mori quam foedari.

I would rather die than be dishonored.

Ut ameris, amabilis esto.

To be loved, be lovable.

Inis vitae sed non amoris.

The end of life, but not of love.

Ubi amor, ibi dolor.

Where there's love, there's pain.

Amor vincit omnia.

Love conquers all.

Ars longa, vita brevis.

Art is long, life is short.

In absentia lucis, Tenebrae vincunt.

In the absence of light, darkness prevails.

Creo quia absurdum est.

I believe because it is absurd.

Ad meliora.

Toward better things.

Natura non constristatur.

Nature is not saddened.

Audentes fortuna iuvat.

Fortune favors the bold.

Ad astra per aspera.

Through adversity to the stars.

Carthago delenda est.

Carthage must be destroyed.

Acta, non verba.

Deeds, not words.