Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Interviewer: Your resume says you’re forgetful.
Interviewee: It does?

"What is a tautology?"

"A tautology is a tautology."

I only accept apologies in cash.

Co-Workers: You’re so antisocial!
Me: I’m selectively social, there is a difference.

9-to-5 is a prison.

And the illusions of security are the walls holding you in.

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds).

My favourite type of lingerie is when it's on the floor...

Much to the annoyance of the store clerk.

The only thing worse than not thinking, is thinking like everyone else.

Wrinkles mean you laughed, grey hair means you cared, and scars mean you lived.

Always remember that you are someone's weird coworker.

I asked him to show me...
"What those fingers do?"

He's currently making shadow puppets while I hold the flashlight....

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people's eyes.

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

Religion:
It’s like history but without facts.

She swallows so many kids, so I started calling her pennywise.

I sent a food parcel to my former wife.
Fed Ex.

Get rich or die tryin'.

My bonsai business was so successful, I had to move to smaller premises.

They say makeup sex is the best sex.

But I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle.

We pay tax on items we purchase with money we earn that has already been taxed.

Some of the best feelings are those I kept away from the world.

Our right to bear arms is absolutely worth more than your illusion of safety.

Just tried the fabric softener diet but in the end I was still comfort eating.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

If you have to beg your allies to help you, they aren’t allies at all.

The taste of Coke out of an ice cold glass bottle is uncanny.

Show dominance by saying "that was a great story" when it had only begun.

The new film about fishing has a great cast.

Top tip.
Use spare face masks to brew your espresso.
They make great coughy filters.

My dog has been humping pillows… I think he learned it from watching me.

I’m just glad he’s still afraid of the vacuum cleaner.

When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed.

People compare me to Chris Hemsworth. They say I look nothing like him.

Why not? Life is short.

Single mature guys — forget the young gals.

You need someone who can recognize the signs of a stroke.

Only dead fish swim with the stream.

Body: we’re going to bed.

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep.

Do British flat earthers say the world is apartment?

Fact: Ten out of ten people die. Don't take life too seriously.

Physics is just spicy math.

"I love Worcestershire sauce."

"What's so special about it?"

"It's hard to say."

I'm in a musical about the Titanic.
I think it will go down well.

The average American thinks they're smarter than the average American.

a 31% discount sounds fantastic until u realize u cant afford the remaining 69%.

Учительница на уроке говорит детям:
- А это вы разберёте со своим репетитором.

Irish archaeologists have unearthed a tomb full of coins.

Crypt o'currency.

Lifehack:

Agree with people so they stop talking.

Age is just a number, maturity is a choice.

Lazy people accomplish more. Their laziness actually enables them to find the easiest quickest ways to get things done.

"Every poem should remind the reader that they are going to die."
~ Edgar Allan Poe

CFO asks CEO: “What happens if we invest in developing our people and they leave us?”

CEO: “What happens if we don’t, and they stay?”

Premise I: knowledge is power.

Premise II: power corrupts.

Conclusion: therefore, knowledge corrupts.

If SQL is the Sequel, what came before it?

“Everything hangs on one’s thinking… A man is as unhappy as he has convinced himself he is.”
— Seneca

My neighbour had five children called, 'Who, What, Where, When and Why'.

It made me think she's raising a lot of questions.

One should manage stress like a dog: if you can not play with it or eat it, pee on it and run away.

Why didn't the <div> get invited to the formal party?

Because it had no class!

Understanding is an art. And not everyone is an artist.

You know you're bored when you measure your own cock.

Now I'm bored AND disappointed.

There's far more money to be made in treating a disease than curing it.

I emailed myself a copy of the constitution and bill of rights so the US Government could read it.

My wife has new musical obsessions. 50 Cent, Nickelback, Sixpence non the Richer.

I think she's going through the change.

In the game of divide and conquer they keep us busy fighting each other instead of fighting them.

Дети в школу, виски в колу!

You don't need a weatherman to tell you where the wind blows, and you don't need a bureaucrat to tell you how to live your life.

Interviewer: So what did you like most about your old job?

Me: Mostly lunch breaks.

I've developed a rash on my upper leg , and everytime I scratch it, I hear music.

Doctor says it's spotty thigh.

A disastrous Thursday for the French:

Trajeudi.

I dated a Swiss girl, but broke up with her after visiting her hometown.

There were a load of red flags.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

"Only the small secrets need to be protected. The big ones are kept secret by public incredulity."
~ Marshall McCluhan

I knew I was popular after that party when I fell asleep and all the guys drew their faces on my dick.

The power to tax is the power to steal with impunity.

If an individual robber shouldn't have that power, neither should the state.

State badges and credentials don't moralize theft.

The problem with following the science is that quite often, the science follows the money.

At this point lunch and leaving are the only two good things about my job.

Overeaters Hotline: 888-888-8888

My brother just got a Star wars tattoo on his cheek.

You should see the Luke on his face.

Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!"

I mean, how dangerous can a child be?

Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

We were taught to fear the witches instead of the ones who burned them, and I think that's the problem.