Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I am constantly reading about valuable antiques being put under the hammer, surely its better to sell them.

Woke up this morning to find the hamster cage badly smashed up against the wall.
The vet said he'd fallen asleep at the wheel !

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long."He replied, "Well the judge did give you 6 years."
"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a full fucking sentence before."

Just received a parcel from Holland this morning !
I opened it and there was a rubber Fanny inside !!
I Thought ' That's nice , Two lips from Amsterdam !!'

Antes los hombres se dejaban la barba como sus papás, ahora se depilan las cejas como sus mamás.

My favourite teacher at school was Mr Turtle.
He was absolutely brilliant.. he really tortoise well.

Велотренажер научил меня простой истине - нельзя сворачивать с намеченного пути.

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

"I'm going to the doctor," says Mary.

"Why, what's wrong?" asks her best friend Sara.

"I want to ask him how many calories there really are in sperm."

Sara says, "Why worry? If you're swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you're a bit chubby."

I was a very advanced baby you know, I was walking at three months.

I had no choice the bottom fell out my fucking pram!

My grandad used to enjoy sex at 97.

He lived at 93, so it wasn't too far for him to walk home.!!

What is so special about a person who wouldn't harm a fly?
Show me a person who wouldn't harm a mosquito.
Then we'll talk.

What do you call a Jamaican Psychologist? It's a Pokémon.

The sexual position formerly known as 69, is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up...

Bacon will always hold a special place in my heart. Actually I guess in my arteries would be more accurate.

Life is the art of dying.

A woman has just come up to me holding an unlit fag.
She said,
"Have you got a light cock?"
I replied,
"Well it floats in the bath".

My editor worked really hard on my book about Podiatry, especially the foot notes.

Один чел решил вылечиться от зоофилии, но все его усилия ушли коту под хвост.

10 Things not to do on an Electric fence: #1 will shock you

“Happiness sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open.”
John Barrymore

Most people probably apologize unnecessarily more often than they apologize when it is necessary.

The country with the most crows?
Crowatia

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
I'm homeless now.

boss: you’re fired

me: just because I ended that story with “and they all lived happily ever after”?!

boss: like I told you before, they’re not stories, they’re wills

Время сейчас такое, что я прекрасно понимаю вагончик, который тронулся...

I'm super lazy today.

Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

What did the calendar say on its death bed?

My days are numbered.

Dear Tongue,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, Elbow.

Звонок в дверь:
- Сосед, в групповом сексе участвовать будете?
- А кто еще намечается?
- Я, вы и ваша жена.
- Ну нет, так я не хочу.
- Ладно, тогда вас вычеркиваем...

If you throw a chair does it become a throne ?

A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.

Did you know Bruce Lee had a brother that was faster than him?
Sudden Lee.

I was telling my mate that my new dog only responds to commands in a foreign language.
” He said, “Español?” I replied, “No, he’s a poodle.”

It takes patience to listen.
It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

I alcoholic uncle never became a lawyer because he could never pass the bar.

The detective agency didn't know whether to trust their informant, named Miss Information.

I wanted to make a joke about saddles, but that might be a really tacky way to stirrup trouble.

Where do typists go for cocktails?
The Space Bar.

An onion just told me a joke.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I wonder if lawyers for Hershey's have to take a bar exam?

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair...

Have you ever heard the story about the woodpecker? The story is full of holes!

WHAT'S REALLY FUNNY? Actually, EVERYTHING is funny! But as long as it’s happening to somebody else!

There are two words in a person's life that will open a lot of doors for them: PUSH and PULL.

Why do they start the evening news with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't?

Does anyone know what date the 4th of July is on this year ?

Para disfrutar del arcoiris primero hay que sufrir la lluvia.

Every morning after waking up, the first thing that I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

Old McDonald had napalm EIEI ...oh

I got thrown out of my local Mime Club.
I think it was something I said.

Do bees even have knees?

La derrota no tiene color, pero deja marca.

Atom 1: I just lost an electron.
Atom 2:how u feel?
Atom 1: positive

- Опишите себя в трех словах.
- Ленивый.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

What runs around the yard without moving? A fence.

I just burnt my tongue on my food.
It made me realize that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought wow this is ledge‘n dairy.

I really like the word 'frequently'. I try and use it as often as I can.

Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.

I just read David Copperfield by Charles Dickens, not a mention about his magic tricks.

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.

Why is it when someone goes into a baby changing room with a baby they always come out with the same one?

I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
but she broke it off!

I hear there's a fairy tale princess who actually knows quite a few dad jokes.
It's RaPUNzel.

My friend asked if I could help him write a bedtime story for his kids.
I thought "what a novel idea".

I really, really hate it when people repeat a word for emphasis.

What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

I asked my dog how was his vet appointment.
He said "ruff".

My band has a new acoustic album called 'Life Support Machine' - unplugged.

I used to live in a tire, but it got a puncture.
Now I just live in a flat.

I landed a role at the local weather station, apparently its a high pressure job.

Гневаться и раздражаться – есть не что иное, как наказывать себя за чужие глупости.

- Мойша, а как мне найти себе жену?
- Найди деньги, Лёва, а жена сама тебя найдет.

C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors".

I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.

WOMAN'S MIND is cleaner than a man’s because she changes her mind more often!

I don't understand when people say 'age is just a number'... Age is clearly a word.

Q: Why did the quarterback take the hardest classes?
A: Because he knew he would pass.