Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I have a pun about an expired perfume, but it doesn't make scents.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.

Hey Doc! Can you throw an extra stitch in there?
First joke immediately after becoming a Dad for the first time.

"It's the thought that counts" doesn't include showering.
You have to actually do that.

Having a relationship without trust is like having a cell phone without service, all you can do is play games!

So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?”
She said: "Like a chicken, but it can swim”.

Tonight’s meeting of Apathy Anonymous has been cancelled due to lack of interest.

Where do cows go on a date?
The moo-vies.

I used Avengers as my password and the computer said it had too many characters.

Все девушки хотят только одного и это отвратительно. Потому что они не знают чего именно.

Не хочу сказать, что старею, но все те звуки, что я когда-то издавал во время секса,
я издаю, просто вставая с дивана.

So I said to the doctor "I think these last tablets you gave me are the wrong ones."
The doctor peered over his glasses and asked "why do you think that?"
"Because I keep veering to the left and then veering to the right!" ....
"Oh" he says ... "their just side effects!"

If you are not supposed to drink WD40, then why does it come with a straw?

My neighbor just banged on the wall at 4am, lucky I was still up playing music. He banged again shouted “Can I get a little respect please?”
I shouted back “I’m not a big fan of Aretha Franklin but I will play it just for you.”

My mates wife said she was leaving him because he is obsessed with football.
He asked her is it a temporary or permanent transfer.

How many table tennis balls can you fit in an empty pint glass?
One, after that the glass is no longer empty.

I had lunch at the Time Travel Buffet and went back four seconds.

Why did Bach have so many children ?
No stops on his organ !

Where does Hannibal Lecter go to get his hair cut?
Salons of the Lambs.

What runs but is never out of breath?
Water.

I'm trying to beat the world record for ironing, i'm going flat out.

Its better to keep your mouth shut and be perceived stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

True Story: People won't believe you unless you start a story saying "True story"

If you lost a wallet with $300 in it, text me.
I found the empty wallet.

Carrots maybe good for your eyes but beer doubles your vision.

Some people are like an old tv set, they need to be slapped a couple of times to get the picture.

Why do criminals make great softball pitchers?
They're naturally underhanded...

If you're out running in jeans, I'm gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.

Once I tried snorting coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose .

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

“How can I begin anything new with all of yesterday in me?”
— Leonard Cohen

What do you call someone who comes over uninvited and tries to get you to work out with them?
A Jehovah fitness.

Absurdism is just nihilism on weed.

У пессимиста баба - так себе. А у оптимиста - ничо такая.

When I fly, I always get an Aisle seat.
Because Aisle be going to the bathroom...

"I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over.
Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center."
Kurt Vonnegut

Did you know the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Рaньшe никoгдa нe зaпивaл и нe зaкуcывaл aлкoгoль. Moл, нacтoлькo крeпкий пaрeнь, чтo мнe этo ни к чeму. Teпeрь, кoгдa мeня cпрaшивaют, пoчeму я нaчaл зaкуcывaть, я кивaю влeвo. Oбычнo тaм cидит мoя жeнa, и я oчeнь плoxo пoмню, oткудa oнa взялacь.

I’m sick of being single.
I’m going to a funeral tomorrow!

So my mate asked me: "Why do you keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge?"
I said: "It's in case someone wants a black coffee".

A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks.
She asks angel: What are these for?
Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.
The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...
Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing that she never told lie.
The woman asks: Where are the clocks of Married men?
The angel replies: Those are in our office, We use them as 'OFFICE FANS'
She then asked, what about the Married women?
The angel replied,
'those are kept out... they are generating electricity...!!

Don't forget the 'r' when you're Googling 'Movies of Gary Oldman'.
I know this now.

Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early.

В семье знатного лорда был мальчик, который с рождения
не разговаривал. И вот однажды, за завтраком, в 16 лет, он,
пробуя чай, говорит:
— Что за...! Почему чай холодный?!?!
Все сразу:
— Сынуля! Ты заговорил!!! Радость то какая!! Почему ты до сих пор молчал???
— До сих пор все было в порядке...

Do you know why cute people are busy?
Will tell you later.
Am busy now.

Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that's all I need to know about that.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Seeing a spider isn't a problem.

It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.

Being in quarantine with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder.

Sometimes I run my hands through my wife's hair. It's a nice way to show her my love...and that we're also out of napkins.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning. I don't know whose side I am on.

My dog has a lot of potential. You just have to unleash it.

I got up at 5am, ran 5 miles, and then ate a veggie smoothie for breakfast... I don't remember the rest of the nightmare.

Why do zombies speak Latin? It's a dead language.

What is the opposite of Antarctica?
Uncle Arctica.

Disappointment.
Running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a total rip-off.

What’s iron man without his suit?
Stark Naked.

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio.

For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

— В чем разница между еврейской мамой и мафией?
— С мафией можно договориться!

Someone asked me why that one brand of eggs is called Happy, and I said maybe because they just got laid.

I was a bit surprised when a policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
Apparently, he wants me to trace someone for him.

Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea.
Trust me on this.

Sometimes I like to live dangerously and respond to new emails immediately.

Did you hear about the explosion at the discount clothing store? There were casual-tees everywhere…

After opening this month's electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.

A statistician drowned whilst wading across a river.
Someone told him that on average it was three feet deep.

During the bronze age, everyone in the Olympics came in third.

Закончив приставания извинениями, можно обидеть любую женщину.

Q: Where do werewolves buy Christmas gifts?
A: Beast Buy.

Nothing is impossible?

I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now.

Behind every successful man there is a woman!
Need more success?
Increase the number of women!

Did you hear about the cheese that saved the world?
It was legendairy!

I'm heading to Greenwich later tonight.

Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time? 🤔

If MissIssippi wore a New Jersey what did Delaware ? … (Alaska and she’ll tell😂)

CAN YOU COUNT?
If you have a bowl with 6 apples and you take away 4, how many do you have? => the 4 you took!

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

If the orchestra went to a fancy restaurant without their maestro, would they know how to...
...conduct themselves?

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.