Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My first wife was a nymphomaniac. But after five years of marriage the nympho left, leaving me with the maniac.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.

I always tell my kids that it's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

How do you make an Italian wine? Insult her cooking.

I'm thinking about dressing up as a Banker for Halloween this year..

I think it will gain a lot of interest.

SECRET TIP FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE: If you want to be happy with a man, love him less and understand him more. But if you want to be happy with a woman, love her more and never try to understand her!

What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam.

MARRIAGE IS LIKE A HOT BATH
Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot anymore!

Удав и Слонёнок встретились утром.
Удав:
- Здравствуй, хуй на морде!
Слонёнок:
- Доброе утро, морда на хую!

— Дорогая, я тебе предлагал групповой секс?
— Нет.
— Кому же я его тогда предлагал?

Говорить правду легко и приятно. А выслушивать правду в ответ — тяжело и противно.

Before you got married, you were madly in love with each other. And now, you are mad at each other as well...

A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE requires falling in love many times... but keep in mind it has to be always with the same person!

How do you know if Father Christmas is really a werewolf? He has Santa claws…

Не для тебя ягодка у психотерапевта лечилась.

Пока жизнь еще теплится, пиво должно быть холодным.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

fi yuo cna raed tihs whit no porlbem, yuo aer smrat. rtewete fi yuo aer smrat.

"No juzgues mis decisiones si no conoces mis razones."

Being an adult means eating one slice of pizza and pretending you don't want six more.

Добро уже почти победило Зло, но тут на сторону Зла перешла Толерантность.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food. REAL FRIENDS: are the reason why you don’t have food.

Did you know that backwards spelled backwards is backwards?

I've started a job at a smoothie bar, i'm blending in nicely.

Необъяснимой эту жизнь делает плохое знание физики...

The worst part of being an adult is literally every part of being an adult

Tenemos que pensar menos, y mandar a la mierda más.

Heard that burglars used a pumpkin to smash a window and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.

Someone just honked their horn to get me out of my parking space quicker, so now we will both be here until we're dead.

Знаете, почему проститутки не идут в депутаты? Да потому, что они привыкли выполнять взятые на себя обязательства.

Me when I was younger: I’ll never drink or smoke.
Me now: I probably won’t do crack.

Familiarity breeds children.

Facebook changed its name but does it really Meta.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween.
Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are better for the environment.

Is a sawhorse the past tense of a seahorse?

I work as a chess piece manufacturer, this week I'm on nights.

**
- Роза Марковна, почему ваш муж ничего не предпринимает,чтобы улучшить слух?
- он ждёт,когда дети таки закончат музыкальную школу.

I'm so out of shape that if somebody yells, "Run for your life!", I'Il be like, You guys go on ahead. I'm going to meet Jesus.

Доктор – пациенту:
– Хаим, что-то вы сегодня плохо выглядите.
– Ха, доктор, думаете вы большой красавец?

Fishermen don't watch much cable. They prefer livestreams.

I wasn’t born gay, it’s just how I was reared.

– ¿Conoces la canción de la nalga?
– No...
– ¿Te la toco?

Saw two gentlemen on the street arguing over a bus pass.
It was a fare fight.

Facebook status - -I am done with this shit- Me -
-Did you wipe?-

In Asia, he's Yeti. In America, he's Bigfoot.
In the UK, he's Bigmeter.

Germany implies the existence of Gerfew.

If you put a map of your country on the floor, there will be a point on the map that is touching the actual point it refers to.

Фаберже был богатейшим ювелиром. Но грянула революция и большевики взяли его за яйца!

My husband says he doesn’t hold on to the past but there’s an old coffee can filled with screws that suggests otherwise.

Facebook is changing it's name to Meta, which is ironic since we never met most of the people we're friends with on Facebook.

Interviewer: great resumé, but can you explain the gap in your front teeth?

He died doing what he loved, asking a wheelchair user if they have a license for that thing.

What do you call a man with a shoe on his head?
Anything you like, guy’s got a shoe on his head.

- Многие современные дети ведут себя так, что хочется дать им "леща"!
- Для этого у них есть родители...
- А вот их родителей не мешало бы пиздить всерьез!

Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he’s a keeper.

I've just read a great book "Driving fast in Germany" by Otto Bahn.

I do two hours of cardio every day...

But I still need to find the closest parking spot to the gym.

Best way to get out of a habit is to become an undercover monk.

Do feminist ever say they are MENtally stable ?

- Батюшка, что это у вас зрачки расширены?
- У меня приход!

Your small dick only proves one thing; your circumcision took more than one try.

Q: Where do you most often find onions having a drink ?
A: In the salad bar.

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

This generation wanted to change the world but ended up changing their gender and called it pride.

Direction is much more important than speed.

Double negatives don’t make no sense...
I am Positive about that!

I went for a job as a sandwich maker yesterday, but sadly no luck...... when i got there, the roll had already been filled....

"One day all this will be yours" my dad said, running his hand over his bald head and explaining the basics of hereditary baldness.

I have asked my kids millions of times not to exaggerate!

Tracking down the French bread thief was quite painstaking.

Тетя Сара, а ваш маленький Изя ест газету!
– Пускай ест, она вчерашняя

Психиатр:

- Фира Арнольдовна, А бывали ли у Вас в семье случаи "Мания Величия?"
- Бывали! Муж иногда заявляет, что он "Глава Семьи...

What the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?

One buries his treasure, and the other treasures his berries!

The oil may be in Texas , But the dipsticks are in Washington D.C. 🇺🇸

Dad listen, I'm Sherlock Holmes new sidekick.

You're what son?

Ghosts don't like rain because it dampens their spirits.

If you seek happiness, master the art of patience, for this is half the battle.

Фира, сколько вы весите? – В очках сто двадцать килограммов.
– А без очков? – А без очков я не вижу весы.

Everytime I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.