Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why do archaeologists get all the girls? Because they have the best dating techniques.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why couldn't anyone understand the retired perfume maker?

Because he no longer made scents.

Apparently, making someone breakfast in bed is only romantic when they know who you are.

What do you call a monster that does a lot of exercise?

Fit-ness

You were born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.

"Jingle Bells" is just a jingle to sell bells.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter.

Social media isn’t the problem...

The problem is who you choose to follow.

What dog breed would Dracula love to have as a pet?
Blood hound!

You have two choices in life: be a creation of your past, or the creator of your future.

El único final feliz que conozco es el fin de semana.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.

If you like water, you already like 70% of me!

Life is like a road trip. Enjoy each day, and don't carry too much baggage.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

In order to write about life first you must live it.

Ernest Hemingway

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

А я на новый год, куплю бутылку шампанского, баночку икры и пакет семечек, чтобы выпить, закусить и на всё наплевать!

Жена — это счастье, которое с годами становится всё полнее.

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight ?

"Mistakes are meant for learning, not repeating."

"Be a free thinker and don't accept everything you hear as truth. Be critical and evaluate what you believe in."
- Aristotle

Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right.
- Henry Ford

Почитав женские статусы и заметки, складывается впечатление, что у всех один и тот же придурок...

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

I just got done reading a book about podiatry. The footnotes were incredible

When people ask why I have a plastic bag in my coat pocket, I tell them that it’s in case I need to pick up poop. I never tell them that I have a dog, though. They don’t need that kind of detail.

I asked my Urologist to show me his credentials.
He presented his PPHD.

I won the wooden spoon in a recent soup making competition which caused a bit of a stir.

If you drink enough, your brain starts photoshopping people.

I'll be sharing my secret for being an amazing guitar player later today.
Stay tuned.

Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

Mejor pocos amigos que muchos hipócritas.

Hear about the turtle & snail that got into an accident? A police rabbit arrives and asks what happened. They both say, "Well, officer, it just all happened so fast!"

The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

My wife asked me if I thought we needed new garden furniture. I'm sitting on the fence.

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity”

- Albert Einstein

Be a good person, but don't waste your time trying to prove it.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Reading is like being in the shower.
Don't wanna start and don't wanna stop.

No enemy is worse than bad advice.
•Sophocles

- Как добиться успеха у дорогих женщин?
- Ждите распродаж…

“As the water shapes itself to the vessel that contains it, so a wise man adapts himself to circumstances.”
― Confucius

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime-mates.

I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open. He said you're jumping to a conclusion.

Did you hear about the microphone checker that got really drunk? He had one two one two one two many.

When a funeral director practices driving his vehicle over and over again,
is he rehearsing?

If you continue to live in the past, your life is history.

Did you hear about the guy that got arrested for stealing hay? He made bale.

"There is only one good, knowledge, and one evil, ignorance"
– Socrates

Psychology says, you become 10 times more powerful when you pause before reacting.

Q: What do you call a place where marijuana is legal, but alcohol isn’t?
A: High and dry.

Money is not evil. It’s the love of money that holds people back.

❝ The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for. ❞
– Bob Marley

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

"If you can not easily explain what you know, it means that you have not yet learned it well"

-Albert Einstein

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

- Мойша, говорят, шо вы таки ели свинину?
- Да, был вынужден.
- Интересуюсь спросить - и как оно?
- Как спать с чужой женой.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

- Какой сыр брать, брат?
- Бри, брат.
- Беру бри, брат. А шампанское, брат?
- Брют, брат.
- Беру бри и брют, брат.

The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.

Just letting you all know that the Beatles museum is now open 8 days a week.

Psychology says, being private af, staying low-key and not telling everyone everything is self-care.

I saw an old man collecting trolleys in the Supermarket today.

He must've been pushing 70.

I went to the toilet today without my mobile phone.

There are 283 tiles on the wall and floor.

- коридор затмений завтра закончится, авось полегче станет
- что закончится?
- коридор затмений
- какой ещё, блядь, коридор?!
- ну там лунное затмение, солнечное затмение. а мы сейчас посередине затмений и от этого кругом такой пиздец. мне астропсихолог сказала
- сука, я тебя в церковь отведу, если ты не прекратишь немедленно!
- что не прекращу?
- астропсихологов слушать!
- это ты из-за коридора затмений такой нервный, серьёзно. завтра полегче будет

Charged particles can be tricky. Keep an ion them.

I was attacked by a flock of sheep earlier. I was only grazed.I was very lucky I wasn't fleeced, but I did get rammed.

Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sack.

Apparently my blind d date tonight is 6 feet 6 inches tall.
I can't wait two metre.

"Doctor doctor I have
pizza growing
on my leg!"
"You've got
Peppero-knee"

Вопрос директору Сбербанка РФ:
- Почему у вас такие низкие депозитные ставки, не покрывающие даже инфляцию?
Ответ:
- Потому что большинство наших вкладчиков не знает, что это такое.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

"Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible."

- Albert Einstein