Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My bike has a flat. I guess I'll have to retire it.

I tried to cancel my membership to The Bondage Club.
Legally I couldn't, my hands were tied.

I'm experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

I had hoped adulthood would have involved more anal probes by aliens and a lot fewer by medical doctors.

Be the role model you needed when you were younger.

Bumped into the chap who sold me a miniature globe for Christmas yesterday...

It's a small world..

I used to have a girlfriend whose safe word during sex was "flower," but she kept saying "flour."

I have a very fine job at the flour factory, working second sift.

I asked the librarian if she could direct me to the self-help section.

She said she could... but that would defeat the purpose...

My middle finger is used when words aren't enough for people to understand that they're annoying.

Reading this fabulous book called “The Irish Dentist” by Perry O’Donnel. Forward by Ginger Vitis.

I got fired from the symphony orchestra. I find it quite disconcerting.

- Дорогая, что тебе подарить на Новый Год?
- Ой милый, ну я прям не знаю...
- Хорошо, даю тебе год на размышления...

My life is like a romantic comedy except there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes.

Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.

I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

Ask the butcher if he had sheep's head. He said it was just the way he combed his hair.

I don't believe in chain letters, but I will occasionally send a link.

Locks just turn doors into walls.

Our love is like magic.
It's not real.

Hot chocolate is just regular chocolate that works out.

Давая деньги в долг, ты покупаешь чужие проблемы.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

Honey is the tastiest insect vomit I have tasted so far.

I'm working on a potentially funny joke about a bed...
I just haven't made it up yet.

В семье геев кто может отобрать зарплату, тот и жена.

— Розочка! А выпить у нас что-нибудь есть?
— Есть. Чай есть цейлонский.
— А что-нибудь покрепче?
— Ну, возьми новый пакетик.

Keep taking time for yourself until you're you again.

My wife and I have divided opinions on who should pay. Looks like we have different purse pectives.

A man's true delight is to do the things he was made for.

If my 'life' was a variable then I would take 'you' as the constant.

Me: Go to bed. It's 9 o'clock.
Kids: But its vacation!
Me: It's my vacation, too. Go to bed.

To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas. They are due back at the library next Friday. Thank you.

Diner: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager!”

Waiter: “He won’t eat it either.”

— Вы труды Ницше читали?
— Нет
— Быдло
— А вы?
— А я первый спросил!

Attempted to exercise this morning. Didn't work out.

I asked a real estate agent how much it would cost to buy a hockey stadium. But she said she could only give me a ballpark estimate.

Почаще улыбайся! Пусть тебя считают безобидным дурачком.

Working on a location specific documentary about whiny marine mammals. I call it ‘Whale’s Wails: Wales’

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper.

I asked a pirate what makes him the angriest?

he said when someone steals his p...

— Сосед, смените мне розетку.
— Но у Вас же есть муж, тётя Циля.
— Ему таки нельзя. Его может током убить.

FUN fact:
People who swear a lot tend to be more honest, upfront, and loyal with their friends, partners and family.

Build assets with your time.

Then buy time with your assets.

Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve—it's December 31.

I asked a friend how it was going down at the National Ambidextrous Society. He said people are joining left and right.

Кто грустит, тот трансвестит.

Уход по-английски - это просто обыкновенное хамство, возведенное в ранг национальной традиции.

My plan to explore the seven deadly sins starting with sloth fell apart when I couldn't be bothered.

Please be extra careful on the road these days.
A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wifes to drive.

Не надо радоваться, когда врагам плохо.
И тем более - огорчаться, когда друзьям хорошо.

Avoiding people that act like victims to problems they have created is self-care.

"What we think, we become."
– Buddha

"Spending money to show people how much money you have is the fastest way to have less money."
- The Psychology of Money

Which fruit is a vampire's favorite?
Neck-tarine!

Fun fact:
Farting helps reduce high blood pressure and is good for your health.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.

When the right people come into your life, the right things start happening.

I can totally be myself around people when I’m alone.

No one is perfect - that’s why pencils have erasers.

Many famous instagrammers are selfie made people.

I don’t have much to say, but that’s never stopped me before.

Christmas trees look toward the future, because the present’s beneath them.

I love jokes. That’s why I am one.

How would a proud computer dad introduce his son?
A microchip off the old block.

— Доктор Кац, это Вам!!
--А шо это ??
— Моя маленькая благодарность - конфеты, коньяк. . .
--Послушайте, а кто вам дал право транжирить мои деньги ??

“All cruelty springs from weakness.”

― Seneca

Одесский дворик. Беседуют два соседа:
— Рабинович, как ви считаете, что сильнее: знание или чувство?
— Чувство!
— Почему?
— Вот знаю, что таки я должен Додику, но чувствую... не отдам.

I like sleeping because its like being dead, without the commitment.

Listen fellas, if your woman says she doesn't want gifts, don't buy her gifts. That shit's on her for lying.

Follow this fresh divorcée for more marriage advice.

— Вы сообразительный человек?
— В смысле?

— Папа, а что такое похмелье?
— Помнишь, мы с тобой шли, а дядя Гриша снег ел?

У страха глаза велики и слабый мочевой пузырь.

Нет пошлых фраз. Есть пошлые уши.

"Expecting things to be bad is the best way to be pleasantly surprised when they’re not."

- The Psychology of Money

Хорошее настроение — это когда тупые не бесят, а веселят.

My occasional good idea is mostly just a bad idea waiting to be revealed.

I always think the thumb is on the left side...

On the other hand, it might be on the right side.

— Посоветуй мне фильм посмотреть.
— Советую тебе фильм посмотреть.

I always regret making a good first impression because theres no way I can keep that shit up!