Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I'm having some hot sex today.
And by sex I mean coffee....
It's still hot.

"Can you multitask?"
Yeah I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.

FUN Fact:
Hot water is more likely to break thick glass than thin glass. That's why test tubes are made of thin glass.

Hey, where do owls go to buy their baby clothes? … To the owlet malls.

Fake people have an image to maintain. Real people just don't care.

When asked about my personal beliefs, I usually say that I believe in quantum physics, but I am uncertain.

Coffee just tastes better when everyone finally leave you alone.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’

My brother said he wants a job in a chocolate factory but has no experience. I told him "Just fudge it".

For Plumbers, a flush beats a full house.

When I asked the plastic surgeon to make my face more symmetrical I was really hoping for vertically.

Having sex when your old is like trying to save money in a bank. You put it in, you take it out. Pretty soon you lose interest.

Education doesn't cure stupidity. It often enhances it, by arming with confidence, social status and diploma.

FUN Fact:
One hour of chewing gum can burn off the calories you gain from eating one Pringle.

The key to a successful marriage lies in redefining “successful.” And “marriage.” Possibly even “a.”

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great," I thought, "first day in here and I'm already married."

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician...
I was just sitting there doing nothing.

The good news is my new years weight loss plans are going great, the bad news is cocaine is expensive.

A German got pulled over by the police in France.
Police officer: “Name?”
German: “Heinrich Klimt”
Police officer: “Age?”
German: “31”
Police officer: “occupation?”
German: “No, no. Just visiting”

Parenting is missing your kids when they’re asleep, and missing your sanity when they’re awake.

You’d think anti aging creams would use bigger fonts.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

New year same me because I’m perfect.

The mystery of the clit...have you fingered it out yet?

"There are no facts, only interpretations."

- Nietzsche

Used to think you were a pain in the neck.

My opinion of you has dropped significantly!

People have one thing in common: they are all different.

Is it really wise to invest with somebody called a "broker"?

Housekeeping Tip: it’s your pet’s house. Just give up.

FUN Fact:
In 2013, a man bought a house next to his ex-wife just to install a giant middle finger statue for her to see every day.

Maturity is accepting the fact that some people are just shitty humans and to avoid them.

People get fake when shit gets real.

Why did the hipster throw away his math book?
He found it too derivative.

As Transformers get old, they first turn into golf carts and then motorized adult scooters.

I hate when people think they know more than me… and then they do.

My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday.
I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when I give it to her tomorrow.

Reading 1book/week will only make you a speed reader and a master procastinator.

Stop it.

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer.

Establish dominance by threatening to add their @ to your bio.

—Hijo, ¿Me puedes explicar por qué todas las cosas de tu cuarto están en el piso?

—Claro Mamá, se le conoce como: "La ley de gravedad".

If you suspect someone is following you, take four right turns. If they're still behind you, they're following you.

Being poor is not bad. You know what's bad?
Acting like a rich one.

Have u ever wondered why India don't participate in world cup? Because Fifa can't accept 10min singing & dancing after every goal.

"As you start to walk on the way, the way appears."

- Rumi

The correct way to spell "hats" is HATS because it's all caps.

Taking nothing personal is self-care.

Party instructions: Walk in, eat as much as you can, walk out.

All bad girls come home sooner or later and I’m on my way home.

FUN Fact:
A male ladybird can spend up to four hours mating with a dead female before realizing they are dead.

My career plan is to become a great wit.
I am already 50% of the way there.

FUN Fact:
Will Smith, Nicolas Cage, Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp, and Leonardo DiCaprio were all offered the part of Neo in The Matrix before Keanu Reeves.

Someone threw a sodium compound at me. I think it was a salt.

Psychology says, Keep it private until it’s permanent.

FUN Fact:
Bae is a Danish word for poop.

I was listening to The News on the radio the other day.
They've completely changed their sound since Huey Lewis left.

FUN Fact:
A new study found that overall, Android users are more honest than iPhone users.

Just finished reading a book on sexual disorders, It had a surprising Climax.

Benjamin Button's favourite group is Men 2 Boyz.

My son’s fourth birthday was today, but when he came to see me I didn’t recognize him at first.
I’d never seen him be 4.

Welcome to the Assumption Club.
I think we all know why we are here.

Stan works in a paper factory, where his responsibilities are twofold.

Why is there flea shampoo? Fleas don't have hair.

What do conspiracy theorists and Excel have in common?

They spreadsheet.

Beauty is only skin deep.
Thank goodness I’m thick skinned

When it comes to big boobs or small boobs, men prefer blowjobs.

Friend: My goal is to finish two marathons next year!

Me: My goal is to finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

You have the arrogance of a much more handsome woman.

I gonna get a female dog

I'm naming her Karma...

"Happiness is just results minus expectations."

Saw a meteor shower. Apologized to it for invading its privacy.

I was invited to join an off-beat religious sect, but I was concerned that changing my mind about it later could be a bit diffi-cult.

Left my job as a Dressmaker as things were not as they seamed.

I like reading books with female protagonists. I’m a heroine addict.

I got a bar installed into my roof.

Just so whenever I have guests I can say drinks are on the house.

I have a water joke but it is completely tasteless. You won't get it if you have dry humor...

Heaven is for those who wanna die.

Psychology says, You become unstoppable when you realize that you can do it alone.

My girlfriend assures me that size doesn't matter,
but all of her dildos look like they're missing a lamp shade.

SpongeBob SquarePants realised he’d reached adolescence when he found his first cubic hair.

— Где у мужчин точка G ?
— Gлудок.